I am cursed

By Genesis Duran  

Have you ever felt like one of the reasons for your existence was to help those closest to you? I feel selfish in a way for saying that I have been cursed for knowing the language of English. Learning to speak and write the language has cost me precious moments in life that i can never get back. I remember first learning how to speak English, feeling the utmost happiness and excitement. that I was finally able to Understand and communicate with others. Communicating with the same group of people that criticized my English when I didn’t know the language, and being able to understand those people who didn’t know I could listen to the rude and harsh words they would say while they have a fake smile on their face.

Learning how to speak English came with responsibilities in a household full of immigrants. Living with a single mother, grandmother, and aunt who all had time to learn the language but chose not to really hurt my future. Learning English in America while living with non-English speakers felt almost impossible. No one was ever able to help me with my writing and reading homework. It was always “ didn’t you learn this in school?” or “ you should be able to know this, you probably didn’t pay attention in class.” These same sentences were what shaped my future. my confidence and my will to learn.

One day in my middle school year, I had turned in an English essay the week before. Writing this essay felt like a challenge because of my insecurity about my writing. When I received my results, I was shocked. I finally got a 100 on my English essay. I felt like this very moment was too good to be true, I felt like I was dreaming and just waiting for someone to pinch me and bring me back to reality. Since my grammar was horrible and I barely knew how to spell any words properly, I finally felt proud of myself. Every time I turned in a paper there were always underlines with red ink pencils showing me all the negatives about my essays, it looked like blood stains in a crime scene that i myself caused, without even knowing. I have always felt like I would never be a good writer since grammar and spelling were, what I was taught, the most important thing in a writing piece. I remember rushing home, feeling like I could run a marathon and would win with no doubt in my mind. I ran my fastest to finally show my mom and grandmother that I have finally perfected my English. Feeling proud that all their hard work has paid off. All those positive feelings quickly turned negative when a mountain of documents was thrown at me almost causing me to drown.“Genesis”, my mother said, “ hazme este favor y traducir esto documents”(do me this favor and translate these documents for me), those words left my mothers mouth as I see her stressing trying to put words together, like it was a puzzle, as she was trying to read it herself. The papers no longer were suffocating me, but me winning that  marathon was also no longer a feeling I felt. Even though I really wanted to show her my essay results, I didn’t want to get a fake smile out of it, I didn’t want her to feel like I was just another load of paper to finish. I grabbed the sheets of paper and tried my best to translate them, it was hard because since these were government papers, there were many big words that not even I understood. I knew I just had to translate these even if it took me days because I just didn’t want to hear,” why did I put you in school if you’re going to be useless”. This made me realize that   knowing English was a curse. knowing the language made me feel used, Maybe I was better off just going back to the Dominican Republic and learning Spanish so I wouldn’t feel this way. I would be just like them, a non-English speaker.  

Many first and Second generation immigrants experience being “used” for the Knowledge that they gained. They are constantly told that they are being selfish if they do not use, what they’ve worked so hard to learn, to help others. But when is someone going to help them? The same first gens that are forced to help their sibling with homework, are Constantly told to translate documents and help their families daily, are the same children who are trying to grow while having their own school work and life to worry about. I am here to let those same children and even adults know that helping is a choice, not a responsibility. The same people forcing you to put your life on pause and fix theirs, are the same people who had the opportunity to learn what you know but chose not to. You shouldn’t have to bear other people’s problems just to make their life easier and your life seem like a mess. 

The more English i learned, the more i felt like my knowledge of the language that i was born with has faded. The obsesion of my parents and family members of wanting me to learn the English language took me of the chances to properly write and speak Spanish.Since I was put in an English class as soon as I began my education, the only way of learning Spanish was by picking up random slang or words from my household. Even though i spoke Spanish fluently, I never learned how to write it. I struggle to even text my family members, who only speak Spanish. This led me to be very insecure about the way I spoke my native language. What made it worse was being made fun of, by the exact people who didn’t teach me the language. When I would say a word incorrectly I heard giggles and chattering amongst my own family.These actions drove me to soon stopped wanting to go to family gatherings that didn’t include English-speaking relatives like cousins and friends. I found it unfair that they think my Spanish is funny, making me feel like an outsider when in reality they became outsiders when they stepped foot into an English-speaking country and decided to not even try to learn the language. 

Dont get me wrong there are huge benefits to learning the English language,I just call it a curse because of the way learning the Language affected my life and my connection to family..it is selfish of me to call it a curse because I am able to help others with what I have. On the other hand I feel like my accomplishment of learning the language wasn’t recognized by the same people who forced me to learn it. They ignored my cries for help and neglected the proudest moments that I had as a child.To add on i grew to feeling like a outsider in my own home because English soon began my main language. Now as I get older I have learned to not need praise from others and be proud of my own work. To give myself gifts and prizes after completing an assignment that I felt was almost impossible to complete.I communicated to those same people who took advantage of me, that i had to first help myself to then be able to help others. Learning English was a curse at first but when I look back at all I’ve done, I could see that there are more happy moments than bad moments in life.